another side, another story.

Thank you life for maybe the sixth or seventh worst day ever.

I find myself getting angry less nowadays, but I am worried it is because I simply care less. The act of me caring less really makes me beat myself up, though I usually console myself by saying that I don't really care that I don't care. And then the cycle repeats itself again!

i hope one day my entire live journal will self destruct on its own so i can forget about all the entries i have in here.

yeah, i can't public it.

the past is where private entries belong :P

livejournal, you have failed me.

i think i should retire you.

youdon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcareyoudon'tcare

do you swear? i hope so.

is us one year ago, lying on your floor, staring at the ceiling and holding each other's hands. if i went back a year in this journal i'd be able to find it. there was something special that night, the way we were so into each other, the way you took my hand and held it on your stomach when you laughed, the way that made me feel so warm, because you seemed like the happiest girl in the world at that moment. that is what i fear has been lost forever, and that's what made me cry last night.

you know that sound your drain makes when it drains the last of your water in the sink or in the shower?

i freaking love this weather. what a nice time to have a convertible. hehe who wants in?

omgad. so the braces hurt like the shit. i'm glad that the way my braces line up, my top molar hits the bottom bracket so the top and bottom teeth never touch each other- they hang there, so neither hurts. now i realize that if they were touching each other, they would hurt like the bitch; just touching them with my finger hurts like the bitch. so i am eternally grateful for that.

i can't seem to concentrate on anything now that i have my braces on. i have to give full consideration on where my tongue is, my lips are, and make sure i don't bite on anything like my cheek. looking at a mirror, the braces don't seem like they have much work to do; only two teeth are really crooked. but for that i have to take out four teeth? are you kidding? pfft.

anyway, braces suck. and it's only the first day too. hopefully i'll only have these suckers for maybe a year? dr. bahm says they should line up in four months, then we'll take the teeth out and we'll just have to close up the tooth gap then. doesn't sound like it'll take that long. *tear*

the worst thing is that when i went into get my braces, this girl who was the exact same age as me was there to get her's out. she was so happy. she was like "is he getting them out too" and dr. bahm said "no he's getting them in." woo.

i caught my parents mackin' out today. how's that for weird.

i think it's quite self-explanatory. no more journalage needed. *blech*

my parents and i are an example of generation gaps gone wild. we'll fuss about opinions, asthetics, and morales that play in our lives on a day to day basis. we went out to dinner (first time in a heck of a while) last night and found ourselves arguing about small, inconsequential details and issues that just add up to be one heck of an annoying cespool of ... oh i dunno where i was going with that metaphor. but whatever!

case in point: we went to dinner last night and my dad parked in a 30 minute zone. i insisted we park in a non-marked zone which was actually closer to the restaurtant but they claimed that the walk "was good for me." i don't care about the walk; i care about the damn ticket. they told me to stop being such a chicken, that there was no police officer around anyway. sounds like my reasoning for speeding. hmm.

another example: my parents (and, more specifically, my mom) likes to look at other people when they're eating. not me or my dad. like other families at other tables. it's really weird and embarassingly rude. she just stares at them, and, right outloud, makes comments about them like "she's so fat! she's so skinny! he's so ugly!" it's so annoying! i told her not to do it anymore; five minutes later she looks at the table behind my dad and goes "look at what they're eating. yuck!" so weird. she goes, "a-hong (my dad's name), look at what they're eating." he goes, "i can't, justin says its rude" in a mocking tone.

oh well.

it's finally raining. after so, so long, it's finally raining.

--

i came home yesterday and my parents were actually talking to each other. they had dinner together. they even danced with each other. today they went out. it was scary. my auntie called and she said that "it must be the rain." new beginnings. washing everything away.

i hope.

--

happy birthday my love.
it rained for you.

my livejournal isn't getting very much love from me. i guess that's a good thing. my livejournal was supposed to be for my ranty/personal posts. and since nothing ranty/personal has happened, i don't really have anything to post on el livejournal. so i guess that's good right? right.

summer is winding down. quicker than i had thought it would before. my brother is leaving again. this is always the hardest time of year for me. i get used to having my brother around to pillow the pressure of both parents. and, heck, my brother is a hoot to be around, especially of late now that we're ever so more like each other in personality. and he's leaving. i won't see him til thanksgiving. that sucks a lot. i'm never ever truly depressed but whenever i see any of my siblings leaving i think i get the idea.

--

i've been lately finding myself in a constant tired stupor. i honestly think i'm suffering from exhaustion, fatigue, etc. i yawn every couple minutes. i'm always tired and i never feel like i have the full potential of energy i'm capable of. i usually just sulk around. i get about eight hours of sleep per night. i sure as hell get a lot more than i do during the school year. i think it's because i've been driving myself to work lately. but should that get me this tired? i just sit in the car and push the gas pedal. how tiring can that honestly be?

*yawn* i dunno.

i probably shouldn't write a happy post again. the last time i did the very next post was considerably unhappy. it's like a jinx or something. the jinx of the blogging gods. "don't let justin be happy." wankers.

but i was today. i witnessed total and complete ease. at least, after i finished my gawdawful edmonson presentation. which was, by the way, gawdawful. after that, the rest of the day felt so kick back relax style. it was unbelieveable.

it kinda sucks that she probably will never read this. it's quite indescribable the sensasion i had as i sat and chatted with alex. it was the sensasion of ease. i have not felt so easygoing, relaxed, and happy with alex as i did today. maybe it was because i finally admitted to liking her on la xanga a few hours before (it's very subtle, but it's there!) or maybe it's because it might be the last time i see her for a very long time. but as i sat there talking to alex, i felt happy. if there's anywhere i want to be with alex right now, it was right there. two splendid friends talking about our future, our past. peaceful drives on a windy road. bouncing scientific tidbits off each other. it was divine.

the ride home was amazing. even with jonathan blabbering on about baseball next to me, i soaked up the sun that usually annoyed me and breathed in the strong wind coming from uncle win's open window that usually frizzed me. i slept a deep sleep in that car. with the wind blowing. the traffic was atrocious; all the more time to soak up and sleep.

i drove the beemer to aaron's house again. i sat there crusing. just crusing. aaron's house was fun as hell. i haven't had that much fun with the guys for a long time. swimming was fun; i was surprised no one ended up getting hurt. i again felt more open with the guys than i have for a long time. i've always have had to keep something back; today i was freer and fresher than ever. the night-speed back home was wonderful. for once i turned off my music, opened all the windows, and cruised back home. it was swell. i dont' think i've ever been more relaxed in my life.

snap back to reality. time to do the cello. the anti-relaxant. :(

dead. if there is any word to describe the sensasion i feel right now, it's uneasiness. something is not right. i can feel it in my veins. does that sound tacky? spidey sense, man. something's not right.

i mean, it's more than the fact that my ipod confirmation is abnormally late. that my songs won't upload anymore. that alice's gap card is a little late too. that everything is too quiet. that i don't know where my brother went.

something else is wrong. i'm finding something wrong everywhere. in my buddy list. abnormal. the usual crew of people are not present. my room is colder than it should be. i dont' feel comfortable with my window open. someone's watching me? the downstairs lights are open but no one's downstairs.

it's too quiet outside. i hear nothing. not even a passing car. not even a baying wolf. what's going on?

so. everyone loves summer. and to a certain extent, i love summer too. but i also hate summer. and i love winter. and here's why.

quite simply and succinctly, it's my skin. my skin sucks. and if there's any one thing i hate about me, it's my skin. i would do anything to get rid of my skin. i mean, seriously, anything. well, almost anything. but it's damn nearing close to anything.

so what happens is that when it gets hot, i just, quite randomly breaking out in rashes. sound gross yet? it really is. every single joint on my body has rashes on it except for my left wrist because i wear a cool steel watch on it all the time. oh, my armpits don't get the rashes either. neither do my knees. or ankles. but everywhere else, neck included, is a cespool of rashes. sound gross now?

in order to keep the rashes in check, i have to put topical medicines about, oh, once an hour. they are gross, creamy, viscous medicines that basically make me feel like i'm covered in thick mud 24/7. add that to skin that's overly dry and (with greasy, gross lotion) i'm like a walking skin care ad except that i don't have good skin. how gross now?

so, since summer is hot, these things happen basically on whim. whenever they feel like happening. oh, and sweat, for some odd reason, only makes it worse. who knows. but my skin alone makes my life worse by a lot. i stare at everyone around me with flawless skin and i wonder how life would be with that kind of skin. without constant itching and constant medicine. who knows?

most of you do. but i don't. oh well.

pictures are the best things ever. they are an instant window into times lost or forgotten. or they are acute reminders of events that pleased, or events that hurt. yes, hurt; i have a picture of me wailing over a broken arm. and now that i look at it, there's still a sharp tingle that climbs up my right forearm, yet there's still a smirk that creeps across my face. "yes, i remember that. i remember it well."

here's the worst thing. when i see pictures of my parents together. when they actually took pictures together, willingly. side by side. when they were happy or at least attempted to look happy. when they used to do cute things like wear matching outfits and scarfs. the worst thing is knowing that, at this age, as their lives advance into their later days, they will never be that happy again. i find that heartbreaking, to say the least.

so looking at pictures aren't all nice and dandy after all. sometimes, i look at my brother and sister's graduation extravagant graduation parties, knowing i will never get one for myself, because i will always be graduating by myself and not with a sibling, if not simply because my parents are too embroiled in their own drama to mind with something as trivial as my graduation. it's okay; i don't want one anyway.

just the reasoning. hell, that sucks.

...does not cover things like these. i've made bad decisions before and i think this is another one of them but here goes anyway: i'm not going to go through with it. i am going to forget about it. and hopefully we can go back to being just friends nice and smoothly, though that's doubtful, and will undoubtedly take time. seeing her will make it worse, so i won't, unless she can persuade me otherwise. more than that, i'm done. fin.

--

first paycheck today for tutoring regina's sister! nice.

and work is super boring. but i get to see alex on wednesdays and whenever i feel like having lunch with her. so that's a super plus deluxe edition.